Wednesday, February 29, 2012
It's true: Comedy is tragedy + time
I wish I could say that the subject line is something I remembered from my years attempting to get something called a "liberal arts degree," but it's not. It's a line I remembered from the video game "Portal 2." Heh. Tragedy indeed. Things are getting farcical around here, employement-wise. I put another couple of ads up on Craigslist looking for a few good men. I recycled what I'm now calling my "angry ad." I basically say that we're a company with a decent reputation, here's what we're looking for, here's what we're NOT looking for, and if you follow these simple instructions, I'll likely review your resume and get back to you as fast as humanly possible. And then I rant. I rant about guys who can't follow directions, can't show up on time TO A FREAKING JOB INTERVIEW, and give me all kinds of sob stories about unemployment, then bitch when they actually have to work. It's actually quite effective, if you define "effective" as weeding out 75 percent of the totally unemployable burn-outs looking to fulfill their dream of doing nothing and getting paid well for it. However, there are still plenty of those who apparently don't read beyond the subject line and completely disregard everything I ask them to do. At first, it seemed tragic. I have a pretty big heart and I believe everyone deserves a second, maybe a third, and maybe even a fifth chance. But after making it as simple as possible, I still get innumerable responses to my recruitment ads that are unbelievably clueless. Now, it's comedy. For example... In the ad I instruct them to tell me a little bit about themselves. "Why do you want the job?" "What do you want to do with your life?" Etc. I explicitly tell them NOT to just send a resume. These will be automatically deleted. I'd say about 40 percent of the applicants send their resumes (which are invariably crappy templates beginning with an objective like "To utilize my skills in a dynamic work environment...") and nothing else. I tell them that while I am extremely sympathetic to the horrors of job hunting, "needing a job" is NOT an asset I'm looking for. I need to know what you bring to the table. So, invariably, a good chunk of the applicants start their responses with "I really need a job." One guy even made that the first of three bullet points after saying he believes he's "the perfect candidate because..." One guy lectured me about being inconsiderate because I didn't even bother to send him a response one way or the other the last time he applied for a job. This is a guy who told me he'd be leaving in June to go out of state for school. Then he asked if he could come in for an interview. Huh? And then there's the guy I actually interviewed and hired who didn't show up to the "on-boarding." This was a couple of months ago. He said there was a miscommunication somewhere, and I told him "No hard feelings, we'll keep you on the list." Keep in mind that this was the FIRST guy I hired in the last round of recruitment. Later, in a moment of desperation due to a shortage of guys, I actually brought him on board. He did great, but when I shot him a text tonight saying we needed him tomorrow, he simply replied "Can't make it." I asked why not more than two hours ago.. No response. So, if you're up reading this blog, Mr. Man, this is your notice: you're officially back in the unemployment pool again. Best of luck. I blame myself. We have some big goals this year, and we're going to need top-notch guys. Real professionals. If ti means we have to cut way back on the number of jobs we take, so be it. I'd much rather have a tiny, barely profitable company than continue to give all these chances, be the caring pushover boss, etc. I have created this situation. I have assumed the best of people and made excuses for acres of compost. Those days are over. I've been through this so many times that I should have assessed the evidene and made systemic changes two years ago. Instead, here we are, still dealing with the same old BS, four years into the life of the company. It's not tragedy. Now it's just kind of funny.